


We're More Than a Memory

by Akiko_Natsuko



Series: Gratsu [82]
Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Declarations Of Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Iced Shell, M/M, Memories, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:28:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26716036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akiko_Natsuko/pseuds/Akiko_Natsuko
Summary: He smelt Gray before anything else, picking out the winter ice and evergreen trees amongst the confusion of other scents even as the guild came into sight, and he felt the chill in the air. For all the times he had complained about how chilly it got around Gray, it had never unsettled him like this sensation did. This wasn’t frost or the first snowfall of winter, it was the cold of deep winter, of death and endings, the kind that crept through skin and bone and froze you at your core.There was only one kind of magic that Natsu knew that could generate that feeling.One spell.
Relationships: Natsu Dragneel/Gray Fullbuster
Series: Gratsu [82]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1188718
Comments: 4
Kudos: 72
Collections: Fairy Tail Reverse Bang 2020





	We're More Than a Memory

**Author's Note:**

> My belated (thanks to technological issues) second entry for the Fairy Tail Reverse Big Bang 2020. I was partnered with Jinx for this one, who did this [Amazing Art!](https://jinx13gxa.tumblr.com/post/630609870985560064/once-again-i-had-to-squish-the-file-so-much-but)
> 
> Please note that if you want to talk to me about my fics and writing, or anime/shows/games in general then you can now find me on discord [The Unholy Trinity](https://discord.gg/6sSddAWa5c).

_Gray._

Before their fight, Natsu would have argued that he knew the Ice Mage better than most people. Even amongst their team, there was an increased closeness between them that he wasn’t ready to give a name to. A bond that came through rivalry and friendship. Sharing bad times and good times, fighting side by side and back to back so many times, that it was as easy as thought to slip into a pattern with him even if their elements were entirely at odds. That hadn’t changed, even with the memory of their fight, the spite and rage unlike any other fight they’d had previously, haunting his thoughts, he refused to believe that either of them had changed beyond recognition. There were cracks, but they weren’t broken, their friendship and everything that had built up to this point remained, and that was why he was absolutely certain that Gray had gone straight for Zeref. It was what he would do, or rather what he had done, and he pressed a hand to his side as he pushed himself to even greater speeds because he doubted that it would end well for the Ice Mage either.

He smelt Gray before anything else, picking out the winter ice and evergreen trees amongst the confusion of other scents even as the guild came into sight, and he felt the chill in the air. For all the times he had complained about how chilly it got around Gray, it had never unsettled him like this sensation did. This wasn’t frost or the first snowfall of winter, it was the cold of deep winter, of death and endings, the kind that crept through skin and bone and froze you at your core.

There was only one kind of magic that Natsu knew that could generate that feeling.

One spell.

_But he promised,_ he thought, pushing forward, leaving Happy and Lucy trailing behind him as fresh terror leant him speed because that thought wasn’t as reassuring as it should have been. Promises had been made and broken since the start of this war. They had turned on one another in a way that the Dragon-slayer could never have imagined even in his worst nightmares, and he knew even before he reached the threshold of the guild and felt the familiar magic washing over him, that Gray had broken his promise. Shoving the door open with more force than necessary.

The air pulsated with magic – Gray’s, as familiar as Natsu’s own after all this time, and another darker one that he was growing more familiar with, and his heart twisted painfully in his chest as he took in the sight of Gray facing off against Zeref. _I should have prevented this._ The thought that had been gnawing at him ever since his failed confrontation with Zeref…with his brother… rushing to the forefront once more. Because Gray was the last person, he had wanted to be facing the dark wizard, especially without him by his side, especially after how close he had come to destroying the Ice Mage himself. He stepped forward, more on instinct than anything else, opening his mouth to shout out. A warning, a threat, a plea – he wasn’t sure what, too many thoughts and feeling and words swirling around his chest, but nothing came out, his voice and breath catching in his throat as Gray’s magic although not directed at him, curled around his limbs, turning them slow and heavy. Not enough to freeze him in place, not yet at least, but slowing him as Gray snarled at Zeref, blind to his presence.

“This is the end, Zeref!”

“Even if you give up your life and existence, this spell only encases its target in ice. It won’t kill me!”

“If I kill you, Natsu will die, too!” Gray shouted, and Natsu’s heart twisted again in his chest because this was the man he had fought alongside for so long. The rage, the hatred from earlier was gone, and there was a flicker of flame around his hands as he realised that Gray was doing this for him. That in his own way he was trying to protect Natsu. _But not like this. Don’t break your promise for this,_ Natsu thought even as Gray continued, blind to his presence, to the fact that each word he said was like a blow against the Dragon-slayer’s heart. “So, I’m gonna trap you instead! Forever!”

“There is no ‘forever’!” Zeref retorted. “Eventually, the ice will melt and free me!”

“But we’ll also have peace that entire time,” Gray replied, and he was smiling – as though he wasn’t about to throw everything away, as though he wasn’t about to destroy Natsu even if he didn’t kill him. “Which means Fairy Tail wins!”

 _No!_ Natsu wanted to shout and scream, because there was no way any of them – least of him – would ever consider winning this war at the price of Gray’s life was a victory. _I don’t want us to win at that cost,_ he thought, slowly, painfully curling each finger until his hands were fists, flames flickering against his hands, a balm against the chill of the spell.

“GRAY!” He finally managed to force out through frozen lips, and why was it so cold? He remembered this spell, had stepped between Gray and Deliora the last time the idiot had been about to cast it and that had been cold, but not like this. Not as though winter had come early, settling into his very bones, until he wasn’t sure where Gray’s magic ended and his body started.

His shout had silenced Zeref and Gray, the latter’s gaze flickering towards him and there were too many emotions for Natsu to name in the dark eyes that met his. “Natsu, I…” There was a half-formed apology in those words, but the Dragon-slayer didn’t want to hear it because he knew that the idiot wasn’t apologising for breaking his promise or casting the spell. But for Natsu having caught him, for the fact that he had no intention of stopping, even as ice began to creep across his own face.

“You promised!” His anger helped him push through the cold to get the words out, but when he tried to step forward, he found himself utterly unable to move as Gray’s magic swirled around him. “You promised me!” _I stopped you because I didn’t want you to die,_ he’d told him at the time, and right then, caught in the periphery of Gray’s spell he wished that he’d said more. That he’d whispered the words that had burned bright in his heart the moment he realised what the Ice Mage was trying to do. _I stopped you because I can’t lose you. Because I…_

“I know,” Gray sounded weary, but he wasn’t stopping, arms locked into position and Natsu could see the ice building around Zeref, beginning to consume him. Could feel it wrapping around him too, stealing his breath, his warmth and something more, a tugging at the edge of his mind that he didn’t understand and couldn’t put a finger on, as though the cold was beginning to leech something more than warmth and movement away from him. “I know, and I wish there was another way.”

“We can find another way!” It hurt to speak, and Natsu could feel his lips cracking with each word, but he didn’t care, believing every word that he said. He had tried to fight Zeref alone and failed, Gray was trying to fight alone, and it would cost too much. Still, together… together they had always been able to do the impossible, and Natsu refused to believe that had changed, forcing away the memory of their fight, the sight of Gray’s furious hatred. “Gray!”

“There isn’t another way.” Soft and accepting, and Gray was smiling at him in a way that left Natsu feeling colder than where the magic and ice was wrapping itself around him. “But, it’s okay…you’ll be alive, and you won’t have to remember this…”

Natsu wasn’t sure whether it was the cold, or whether it was some tiny, desperate part of him trying to deny what was happening right in front of his eyes, but it took him a moment to connect the dots. The strange feeling of something being stolen away by the cold, an emptiness seeking in its wake, and the flames around his hands that had barely been clinging to life, spluttered and died as the realisation washed over him. _You won’t have to remember this…_ Somehow Gray had found a way to alter that spell, to make him, to make everyone forget about him, and now Natsu had realised he could feel it. It was like ice was creeping over the memories, freezing them in place, perfectly preserved, before letting them melt away into nothing. Even now, as he stared at Gray, hurting and confused, frozen lips parted in readiness to scream and shout at the Ice Mage for being an idiot. For thinking that they could ever forget about him that easily – that he could forget him. But he couldn’t say the words, because there was a haziness, something already lost, memories that he knew were missing but couldn’t put a finger on and instead what came out was a broken whisper.

“W-why are you doing this?” It didn’t come close to encapsulating the storm in his chest right then. Denials and pleas muddled together with apologies that he needed to say, for their fight, for the fact that he had lost control, that Gray felt that any of this was necessary. _Why are you doing this, Gray? I’m not worth it, I’ve never been worth it and now…_ His thoughts were so loud and chaotic, breathing ragged against the ice that was threatening to steal it away, that he almost missed Gray’s answer, as the Ice Mage’s voice was less than a whisper, as sharp and brittle as ice, and soft as snow.

“Because I love you!”

Natsu couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, because they were the words he had been waiting for. The words he had longed to hear for far too long, and something that he had thought broken and ruined by what he was, what they had both come so close to doing with their fight. Hearing them now, hurt, like a knife had been driven straight into his heart because he had never wanted to hear them like this. Not as though it was a worthy reason for Gray to sacrifice himself, to drive all memories of himself from Natsu’s mind.

Not as though it was a farewell, after a too-short lifetime together.

_“Work together?! You’ve got to be kidding me!” Gray was growling at his side, and Natsu glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, because for all the frustration behind those words, there was no real anger. He had pushed enough times to know what that sounded like, and so he grinned and added his own voice to the complaints._

_“You can’t put fire and ice together! It’s impossible!!”_

_“Erza’s way too selfish-minded!”_

_“She always has to decide everything on her own!” It was comforting to fall back into the old patterns, even as they continued to head further into the station – they weren’t foolish enough to completely disobey Erza after all. And Natsu was startled to realise that part of him had been worried that working together, being on a team, especially with Erza, would have changed things. But this was familiar and comforting, especially as they skidded to a halt at the exact same time._

_“I can handle Erigor just fine by myself!” There was a pause, and Natsu was fighting a grin and saw an answering twitch of Gray’s lips at having spoken at the same time before they lunged at one another. “Don’t copy me!”_

_It was less amusing when it dawned on them at the same time that they were at a crossroads, looking both ways and then at one another._

_“Which way?”_

_“We can just split up,” Gray suggested, already moving off to one path before pausing and looking back at him, with an expression, that had the Dragon-slayer bracing for an insult. “Natsu, we’re up against an idiot bent on unleashing dangerous magic here. If you find him, beat his brains out!”_

_“That’s not all. He’s also an idiot who picked a fight with Fairy Tail,” Natsu grinned, lifting a flaming fist. “I’m going to turn him into cinders!” That earned him a grin, and he decided there and then that he liked that expression on Gray’s face, and that they didn’t see it often enough, something he would have to change once this was over._

_“Don’t die now,” Gray muttered, as he turned away and Natsu froze, his sharp ears having caught both the words and the feeling behind them despite how quietly the Ice Mage had spoken. It wasn’t so much the sentiment, after all, they were guildmates, but it was the fact that Gray had said it and to him of all people. He resolutely refused to admit it was because his heart had done a complicated leap in his chest, was still doing it even as he turned to look at the Ice Mage, trying to pretend that he hadn’t heard it, in the hopes of hearing it again._

_“What?”_

_“Nothing,” Gray said louder, before all but bolting in the other direction, leaving Natsu staring after him with a smile on his face._

_But I heard you, Gray..._

Natsu had never told Gray that… he had never told him… _what hadn’t he told him?_ The Dragon-slayer blinked, a task that was harder than it should have been, frost crusting on his eyelashes. What had he been remembering? Something about shadows? And Lullaby…he remembered that fight, the first time he had truly believed that maybe they could be on the same team because the three had them had fought together as though they had done it a thousand times before. In a way, he supposed they had, just before it had been each other they were fighting, but there had been a rush to fighting alongside Gray that hadn’t expected, a confidence that came from having that chill at his back…and his thoughts were drifting again. The cold making it harder and harder to think, and he blinked, and just like that the thought was gone, the memory with it, just an empty, echo of feeling haunting him.

“Gray…” He tried to say, to plead with him to stop. _I don’t want to forget you,_ he wanted to say. _It hurts. I can feel them disappearing, I can feel the hole…_ It scared him, more than anything else he had faced. More than the man standing a short distance from Gray, increasingly encased in ice, more than the future and what would become of him if he destroyed Zeref scared him. His fingers twitched as he tried to curl them into a fist, tried to summon even a spark of a flame. If he could just warm up enough to speak, there had to be something that he could say that would stop Gray.

That would stop this.

_Because I love you…_

There were tears on his cheeks now, but as soon as they hit skin he felt them freeze, dewdrops of anguish locked in place, and his vision was blurring, making it hard to make out Gray amongst the swirling magic and it felt too much like the first time he had seen Gray attempt this magic.

_“Do it. You don’t have the courage to die!”_

_“Sorry. You’re wrong,” Gray sounded so calm, so accepting, even though he was surrounded by ice that smelled wrong and had all the hairs on the back of Natsu’s neck standing on end. He had known that this island and everything that was happening was getting to the Ice Mage. It was why he had tried to keep him out of it, but this? To say that… for Gray to think that he could die._

_Don’t die, now…_

_“Gray!” He shouted, stepping forward and shivering as the magic washed over him. What the hell was this spell? He might as well have not spoken for all the reaction it got, as Gray straightened, crossing his arms in front of him and the chill in the air intensified._

_“Iced…”_

_“Idiot!” Natsu didn’t remember moving. There had been no conscious decision as far as he knew, just a desperate, searing need to get to Gray and stop him from throwing his life away. His life… as though it was nothing. As though the thought of Gray not being there, at Fairy Tail, at his side and back was something that Natsu could ever consider let alone allow to happen. Idiot, wasn’t strong enough for the emotions coursing through him as he punched Gray, but it was safer than trying to say more and having everything that he was feeling pouring out. Neither of them was ready for that, especially as Gray stumbled pressing a hand to his chin and staring at him, as though he couldn’t believe that Natsu of all people would have stopped him._

_“Natsu!”_

_“You just show up and start blabbing about responsibility and junk!” Natsu growled at him, even when all he wanted to do was reach out and shake some sense into Gray. I don’t want to lose you, he thought, even as he threw himself body and soul into their usual bickering, anything to keep Gray distracted from what he had been about to do. “Don’t be taking other people’s prey!”_

_“P-prey?”_

_“I’m going to beat him!” Natsu proclaimed, already knowing that Gray couldn’t and wouldn’t let that happen. Still, there it was – the spark – determination and irritation, and everything that had coloured their rivalry for as long as the Dragon-slayer could remember. The Gray he knew and lo…the Gray he knew and wanted to see more of._

_The Gray who wouldn’t give up and throw his life away._

_“Wha-?! I specifically asked you to let me handle him!” Gray had got over his shock now and was gesturing and animated, and Natsu did what he did best. What he knew the Ice Mage needed even as part of him wanted nothing more than to knock the idiot out again and get him as far away from here as possible – and pushed back against him with a deliberate, shit-eating grin._

_“And did I say, ‘Yeah, sure, go ahead?’_

_“Why, you…” Gray was on him in a moment, a split second away from punching him, Lyon and that spell out of his mind for a moment, and Natsu met him halfway refusing to back down._

_“Oh? You want to have at it?”_

_“I have to settle things with him!” There was a shift in Gray’s voice, a note of desperation that Natsu had never heard from him before and it took the wind out of his sails, although not as much as the Ice Mage’s next words, which made his breath catch in his throat. “I’m even ready to die!”_

_“So, dying will settle things, huh?!” Natsu demanded, balling his fists so that Gray couldn’t see how badly he was trembling, not sure whether he wanted to punch the idiot or hug him close. Taking a step forward, with the air around him, heating up as his emotions started to get the better of him. “Quit trying to avoid the real issue!”_

As quickly as the memory came, it began to fade, and Natsu tried to snatch hold of it, but it was like trying to hold onto snowflakes and as he soon as he brushed against them, they melted away, leaving him with a gaping sense of loss for something he could no longer remember. _“Staying defeated would be shameful, right?”_ He remembered saying that, and then he didn’t. _Because I love you…I love you…_ Gray was doing this because he loved him? Sealing away everything that had led them to this point, and more tears froze against his skin, and he tasted blood, or maybe that was heartbreak he was tasting as he forced his voice to work. “Gray, please…” He wasn’t expecting a response not really, he knew Gray, knew how deep his resolve went, and then Gray was looking at him, eyes bright with anguish and longing and a thousand unspoken regrets, that said more than any words he could have said.

_“This is the only way! This is the only way to stop him right now!”_

_Natsu had burst into the room just in time to see Gray knocking Lyon to the ground and stepping past him, and he’d frozen. Unable to move forward, unable to believe that after everything he’d said and done before that the idiot was going to do the same thing again. But he was, as though Natsu’s words hadn’t even touched him, as though he still thought his life was still something to be sacrificed. Ice and magic were swirling around Gray, and just like before Natsu’s skin crawled at the feel of the magic, something that for his complaints against Gray’s magic over the year, he had never felt before. He liked the feel of Gray’s magic, trusted it at his back, but not like this._

_Not this chill that was threatening to steal everything away._

_Just like before he found himself moving, but this time with purpose, as he planted himself firmly between Gray and Deliora. Between, the past and the future that Gray seemed so determined to throw away._

_“Natsu!”_

_“I’m going to fight him,” Natsu declared, trying not to shiver against the build-up of ice magic behind him, not allowing himself to turn around right then because he didn’t trust himself not to say something they might both regret because he was hurting and he was angry and Gray… Gray was single-mindedly focused on Deliora and the choice he had made._

_“Move, Natsu! Don’t get in my way!”_

_“I stopped you before because I didn’t want you to die,” Natsu couldn’t stay silent anymore. Don’t get in your way? Don’t stop you? He couldn’t believe that Gray was asking him to just step aside, to just watch as he did the one thing that no Fairy Tail mage was supposed to do. Now he finally turned to look at Gray, relieved to see that the Ice Mage’s eyes were wide and there was a note of something close to hesitation in his expression now. “Did you not get the message or something?” Please, hear my words, Natsu pleaded, but he could see Gray’s expression evening out, his jaw set once more, and this time anger got the better of him. “If you wanna use that spell, go ahead.”_

“I’m not going to forget you!” The words burst out of him, Natsu felt them rise up, a burst of warmth against the chill, locking him in place. But he didn’t hear them above the roaring in his ears, but he knew that they must have made it past his frozen lips because Gray’s eyes were bright with tears, and then the Ice Mage looked away. _I won’t forget you. I won’t forget you. I won’t forget you._ Natsu was fighting, pushing against the ice locking him in place, but he might as well have been back in the remnants of Tartaros, unable to do anything but watch as everything slipped away from him as Igneel fell from the sky.

It was happening again.

He was going to lose Gray, right now, and right in front of his eyes. His entire year of training and pushing himself, gathering Igneel’s magic into a weapon that he could use, was for nothing. It wouldn’t help him cling onto the memories that were fading like a frost, beneath an early morning sun, and he squeezed his eyes shut, as though doing so would help him trap the memories for a second longer.

_“Man, your master is really something…”_

Gray’s smile, soft and sad was fading from his mind, and Natsu jerked, trying to open his eyes again so that he could see the Ice Mage, so he could see his face and not forget it. But, the ice had crept across his skin in those precious seconds, trapping him in darkness, in his own thoughts and fading memories. With nothing but Gray’s scent lingering in his nose, and the burn of the cold in every inch of his body, to hold him to the present and to reassure him that Gray wasn’t gone yet.

_“…let me take that,” Natsu jumped as Gray appeared beside him, reaching up to take the beam that he had been trying to move across to where Erza was waiting. He hadn’t even noticed the Ice Mage approaching, too focused on dropping the beam on himself or anyone else, as his entire body protested his efforts. He was still healing, and as much as he played it off and pretended that it was nothing when first Lucy, and then some of the others had suggested that he take it easy, he was starting to think that maybe they had been right. Not that he was about to admit as much._

_“I’m fine,” he said, more automatically than anything, but he didn’t argue when Gray took it from him and set it to one side. “Gray…”_

_“You are allowed to take it easy for once,” Gray informed him, scowling and looking anything but worried, but Natsu caught it in his scent and grinned to himself. “What?”_

_“Nothing…”_

_Because I love you…I love you…_ Was that when Natsu had first thought the words himself, he thought it might have been earlier, but there was nothing before, not anymore. Everything before that point was a grey haze, and that was wrong, he knew it was wrong, and it was Gray…Gray who was destroying everything that had lead them to this point, all because he wanted to protect him, everything they were and could have been, because…

_I love you…_

Natsu was numb, inside and out. Powerless in the grip of Gray’s magic, his flames refusing to ignite even as everything raged in his chest.

_And you won’t have to remember this…_

He would not remember Gray…he wouldn’t recognise this feeling…the emotions that neither of them had put into words until now.

_Because I love you…_

He wouldn’t remember…

_Gray was there when he made it down from the roof of the cathedral. The Ice Mage looked worse for wear too, listing to the side, and there was a strain in his face that had not been there before, but when their eyes met his expression evened out, and he stepped forward. “You look terrible,” Gray informed, and Natsu bristled instinctively, only to have the wind taken out of his sails when the Ice Mage slipped an arm around him, supporting him, or rather they were supporting one another, leaning into one another._

_“I could say the same about you…”_

No one else had seen that moment, because a second later Erza had called to them, and habit had made them wrestle with one another, bickering as though nothing had changed, as though Natsu wasn’t injured and Gray wasn’t worried…

…worried…

…worried about what?

_“Man, you had us worried there.”_

_Natsu had almost missed it because everyone was talking at once. While Wendy had all but launched herself at him the moment, Hot-Eye had released him, and he had wrapped her up in a hug. Even as he glanced at Gray over her head and saw the relief in the dark eyes._

_Because I love you…_ Natsu growled, low and desperate in the back of his throat, and bracing himself against the pain of it, he took a deep breath and wrenched his eyes open. It hurt, the ice reluctant to let go and for a moment everything was blurred, and all he could see ice, and it was though Gray was already gone. As though he had slipped away in amongst the fading memories… the memories… what had he been looking for? What had he been so desperate to see, to remember? He couldn’t remember, and the hollow feeling was growing and as he blinked, stiff and heavy, clearing his vision just enough to make out Gray, his body half encased with ice now too. Did Gray know what this would feel like? Had he understood that the memories would fade, one at a time, tormenting Natsu before being snatched away? Did he know that they wouldn’t just fade away as though they had never been there, but would leave a hole in his chest? A hollowness that could never be filled, that was making it harder and harder to breathe, as though part of Natsu was disappearing with it?

_Because I love you…_

Why wouldn’t his voice work? Sure, it was cold, but this was Gray’s magic, something that he knew as well as his own magic these days. _Gray…_ It didn’t help that as soon as he thought of something that he wanted to say, words based on memories that were stealing away with each ragged breath, he found himself adrift, not knowing what he wanted to say. What he could say that could stop this, and that wasn’t right, because he’d always known what to say to the Ice Mage and vice versa…

_“Can you hear me, Natsu?”_

_“Gray?!” Natsu didn’t want to admit how much his heart leapt to hear the Ice Mage’s voice, he was still angry with him, and wanted nothing more than punch him. But it was familiar and safe, in amongst the strangeness of everything that was happening around him, and for a moment at least he felt as though maybe he could pull himself back together, all because of Gray’s voice._

_“You’re completely helpless? Pathetic! You’re nothing but talk, slanty-eyes!” Gray was shouting, riling him up and even as Natsu felt his temper and magic flare, a part of him was grinning, because this was familiar and safe, and it meant that Gray was there at his back. “How long are you gonna keep up this one-man comedy bit inside that oversized body?!”_

_“Say what?”_

He had been so angry back then, and he was angry now… and… what had he been comparing that too? He had never been this furious with Gray before, not even when…

_Not even…_

_…not even when…_

Natsu was reaching for something that wasn’t there, or just barely out of reach, as though if he just reached a little further, he would be able to reclaim it _…Because I love you…_ He blinked, the image of Gray and Zeref wavering in front of him, and it was so cold, time slipping through his fingers with each memory that faded despite his desperate attempts to hold on to it. “G-Gray…”

_“Natsu…” Gray’s hand was on his shoulder as Natsu rose to his feet, and the Dragon-slayer opened his mouth ready to argue, only to snap his mouth shut when he realised that Gray wasn’t trying to stop him from going to deal with the King and Droma Arima. “You better win.” The Ice Mage told him instead, squeezing briefly before releasing him, and even though the words were different Natsu heard the silent ‘don’t die’._

_“We’re going to win,” he corrected instead, and then he was gone, launching himself into the air before either of them could say anything more._

_I promise…_

_…Because I love you…_

Why he hadn’t, he said the words sooner? Back when he’d first felt them stirring, when he’d first realised that there was something more to the friendship, he shared with Gray? Would that have stopped this from happening? He wasn’t sure anymore, and he didn’t like not being sure. Gray’s friendship had been like pointing north, and even if they’d got lost here and there along the way, they’d always found their way back, and sure it was masked by bickering and fighting, but that didn’t make it any less strong.

So, how could it be disappearing…?

How could it slip away so easily, as though it had never been there…?

_You won’t have to remember this…_

But I want to remember this… I want to remember you…

_“…And knowing your weakness can make you stronger and kinder…” Natsu said, echoing the words that Gildarts had told him during their fight, which felt like a lifetime ago. He could feel Lucy’s arm around him, could hear the others’ ragged breathing as they thought their fear, could feel them turning towards him as he spoke, could feel the chill of Gray’s magic in the air – dimmed but still present, and took strength from that as he continued. “We’ve learned how weak we are. So what do we do next?”_

_He lifted his head, not liking how difficult that was, his eyes automatically darting to Gray as he continued. Lingering for a moment as though waiting for the Ice Mage to finish for him, after all, it had been a promise between them never to remain defeated. But this was different, defeat and fear pressing in around them, and as he saw Gray tremble, he lifted his voice. “We grow stronger! And stand up to him! We might be too afraid to do anything all alone…but we’re right here with each other. We have friends right here with us. There’s nothing to be afraid of now! We’re not alone!” He made it to his feet, listing slightly to the side and breathing heavily, knowing that if they were going to do this, then they only had one choice, he just needed them to listen to his words and believe him._

_He needed Gray to believe him._

_“Admirable peacockery, but that too ends here,” Hades mocked, and Natsu’s hands balled into fists, unable to take his gaze off the older man, even as he waited, barely daring to breathe as he waited._

_“With friends at your side…” Erza whispered as she rose too, and then Gray was standing as well, and Natsu felt a grin creep across his face as the Ice Mage echoed his words._

_“…there’s nothing to fear.”_

I want to remember us…

The memories were fading faster now. As though he was caught in a blizzard, as they were being swept away from him and he couldn’t see Gray anymore, the magic and ice too thick for him to see anything. Part of him wanted to lash out, to punch the Ice Mage for making this decision, for himself, for them, for Natsu… another part of him that was hurting, and in turn, wanted to hurt, wanted Gray to see what his spell was doing, to understand what it was doing to him.

_You won’t have to remember this…_

_You’re wrong,_ Natsu thought bitterly, because while the memories were going, stripped away against his will, the feeling, the knowledge that Gray was important, that he loved him was still there. _I won’t forget, not completely._ He wasn’t sure if that was true, feeling as though everything was stripped away, as though Gray was stealing away the very foundations of who he was, and maybe he was because it had always been them…or he thought that it had, but now as he reached for it, he didn’t know why it felt that way. _We’re more than memories Gray, you’re more than memories…_ He tried to step forward, to reach for Gray, to stop him before it was too late because while Gray was more than all that, he wanted to remember, but the ice wouldn’t let him. It wasn’t engulfing him like it would if he was the target of the spell, but it was holding him back, stopping him from getting him involved, a mirror of Gray’s desires and for the first time Natsu found himself hating that ice, gritting his teeth as he tried to conjure a flame against it.

_Gray, please stop this…_

_…Gray…_

_Gray was there on Happy’s heels when he stepped out of the arena, a little battered but triumphant, and they shared a brief grin as Natsu greeted the Exceed and gave him a high-five. Then Gray was there, stepping right up to him, with a smile that warmed him as much as Gray’s words._

_“Good going, Natsu!”_

It had been one of the few times that Gray had given him easy, uncomplicated praise and Natsu had treasured it, and had been more than a little frustrated that he had, had to wait to return the favour. Having to rely on the others filling him in on the final for the Games after everything that had happened, and he had grinned for days after learning that Gray had beaten Rufus’ flames in part because of him… _But why?_ Natsu blinked, his lashes heavy with frost again, eyes threatening to close under the weight of them. _Why? Why had Gray won because of him? Won what…?_

_Natsu pressed a hand to Gray’s coat which was laid abandoned over his bed, probably tossed aside without Gray being any the wiser, and a weak smile tugged at his lips. He had to fight the urge to lift the coat to sniff it, as though drowning himself in the Ice Mage’s scent one last time, would make this pending separation any easier to bear, and instead, he stepped back and took a deep breath. He’d come to leave a note, similar but different to the one he had left to Lucy’s, but now that he was here, he found himself hesitating, fingers crumpling the envelope almost beyond recognition._

_It wasn’t enough._

_Too much had happened, to both of them and between both of them. He needed to talk to him, face to face, but that wasn’t possible, because he knew that if he spoke to Gray now, then he wouldn’t be able to leave, and he needed to. He needed to train, to get stronger, to make sure that he was never in the position of being helpless as someone he loved died in front of his eyes. Gray would know, even if he didn’t say anything, and would try to stop him, and as much as a traitorous part of him wanted that to happen, if only to know that things between them were going to be okay, Natsu couldn’t risk that._

_Sparks danced around his fingers, and Natsu took a shuddering breath, breathing in the wintery scent of the Ice Mage one last time as he willed the sparks into a flame, burning away the note. Hot and quick enough so that not even ashes were left._

_I’m sorry, Gray…_

Maybe if he had said something back then, or even when he had returned to let Gray know how hard it had been for him to walk away from the Ice Mage without a word. How difficult it had been over those long weeks and months apart, not to give in to the temptation to seek him out. It had always been them, pushing one another to get stronger, and if anyone could understand the consuming need to become strong enough to protect everyone, then it was Gray.

It was Gray, it had always been Gray…

_“Don’t worry,” Natsu murmured, resting a hand on top of Lucy’s head and hoping that she couldn’t feel him trembling. “Gray is one of us, no matter what.” Even if he was shaking, his voice was steady, because no matter how worried he was about Gray and Rogue and Frosch, and what might happen if the future wasn’t changed, he believed what he was saying._

_He believed in Gray, and he couldn’t believe that would have changed even over a year apart._

_“Yeah…”_

_“Aye Sir!”_

His faith had been more than rewarded, and that moment of fighting together with the others, but especially Gray. And the feeling of the Ice Mage’s magic at his back just as he had… just as he had… when? Had that been the only time they had fought together? He didn’t think that was right, but even as he thought about it, he grew confused as though he had just taken his eyes off something, and it had slipped away into the haze that was all that remained of what he thought might be his memories.

_Natsu had known from the moment that he had left to train alone for a year, that when the time came to face Zeref, he would go alone, because as much as he loved his friends, and as much as he drew strength from having them close, he couldn’t and wouldn’t risk them being used against him. What he hadn’t expected was for how hard it was to slip away without a word in the chaos surrounding the guild, maybe because he had never expected it to be in the middle of a war that none of them had expected. Or perhaps it was because some part of him had been worried that, that year apart would have broken something that couldn’t be fixed, for all his confidence about Gray being one of them._

_He found himself searching out the Ice Mage now, looking for him amongst the crowd and immediately regretting it when he did because the urge to go to him. To tell Gray what he planned, what he was about to do was so strong that he nearly caved straight away._

_Gray…_

_Gray would understand. Gray had the same burning desire to stop Zeref too, and if there was anyone that Natsu could trust at his back, could trust to hold their own, it was the Ice Mage. But, at the same time, the mere thought of Gray being there, in a fight that he knew was going to be risky even with his secret weapon, had him drawing back, unable to even risk saying a word because he knew that Gray would see through it in an instant and his heart was heavy as he turned to Happy._

_“Let’s go,” he murmured, trying not to feel as though he was leaving something undone as they turned away, unaware of the way that Gray’s eyes had landed on him for a lingering moment._

Natsu came back to the present, with a lurching feeling of disorientation even though he couldn’t move, something still holding him in place. _Gray…who was Gray? Who was…? What had he been thinking about?_ He was cold, he was hurting, and there was a gaping hole in his chest, but what had he been doing?

_I love you…_

… _I love you…_

_……I love you…_

_………I love you…_

The words echoed in the space where something else had been only moments before, or at least he thought that something else had been there, but he wasn’t sure anymore.

_I love you…_

Something was missing, an emptiness that Natsu didn’t understand. The kind that hurts, not the sharpness of a fresh wound, but the deep, resounding ache of an old injury. But why? He wasn’t hurt, was he? Or not there at least, so deep that it felt as though someone had driven a blade deep inside his heart. _I love you…I love you,_ the words echoed again, and he frowned, not recognising the voice. But the words…the words hurt and warmed him all once, and it felt as though an ember had settled into that hollow space in his chest. _I love you._ Why couldn’t he remember who had said that? Or how it was related to the hollow feeling? He knew that they were related, just as he knew that something was missing, something precious, something that he shouldn’t have forgotten.

No, not something…Someone…

_I love you…_

There was a spark of something, the ember in his chest flaring brighter. _I love you._ Everything hurt, and this time it was physical, as he slowly, painfully curled frozen fingers into fists. Ice, he was covered with ice? Why was he covered with ice? He could feel it now like he was emerging from a snowdrift, and something tugged, not a memory, or maybe it was a memory. There was a familiarity to it that he couldn’t understand, but as painful as it was, it felt almost safe, as though someone had wrapped icy arms around him. _I love you._

“I love you…” It hurt to speak, and he felt more ice splintering off as he straightened. _I love you._ Warmth blossomed around his fingers, and finally, he felt a spark of flame against his fingers, and it hurt, heat searing through the ice holding him in place.

Fire and Ice…

…Ice and Fire…

He could see it, as clearly as though he had his eyes open, the play of ice against fire and yet he couldn’t remember anything else about it. However, something told him it was more than a memory, that it was as much a part of him as the flame building in the palm of his hand. Something more stirred in his chest, the ember growing and expanding until the hollow was vibrating under the force of it, and the spark became a flicker, and then a flame. First along one finger, then another and another until his entire hand was aflame, and then another flame erupted into life around the other hand.

_I love you…I love you…_

Why couldn’t he remember? He gritted his teeth, willing the flames to spread and chase away the ice locking him in place. _Hurry._ He wasn’t sure where the urgency was stemming from, but it was growing, rising with the spreading warmth in his chest.

_I love you…_

“Stop!” There was no conscious thought behind his movement as his eyes burst open, his gaze landing on the figure halfway between him and Zeref, flames bursting around him as he lunged forward. Chasing the feeling that he couldn’t explain, the echo of a voice he couldn’t place, the words that hurt and warmed him in equal measure. _Stop, please stop…_ He didn’t know what he was trying to stop, just that he needed to do something, and then he was slamming into something warm and solid, an ember in the deepest cold of the magic that he now realised was still swirling around them.

Magic…

… _You won’t have to remember this…_

“N-Natsu…” It was the same voice that haunted him, the same desperate, pleading voice that had told him ‘I love you’ and then they were hitting the ground, Natsu pressed on top of a dark-haired mage, flames engulfing them both and lapping hungrily at the edge of the magic lashing around his captive. 

“Stop this,” Natsu pleaded, wishing that he understood what he was asking for as his hands curled against the other man’s chest, and he stared into dark eyes. He knew him, he knew that he knew him, just as he knew how to breathe, and how to keep the flames around them from burning either of them. _I love you._ “Please, stop this…” Those weren’t the right words, they sat wrong in his mouth. “I’ve told you before…no that spell…this spell…I already stopped you from using it earlier.” He didn’t know what he was saying, didn’t understand the certainty in his chest, the words feeling right this time. “I don’t…I don’t remember…but you…”

_I love you…_

The dark eyes were wide, and Natsu couldn’t even begin to name the emotions in them, but something sharp and jagged twisted in his chest as he saw the tears that built in the corner. “I…” Suddenly he didn’t want to hear what he was about to say, and he shook his head, and the flames around him flared, his confusion, the pain, the hollowness feeding into his fire.

“Stop…” He whispered, and the flames lashed out until there was nothing but the two of them in the centre of the inferno, words abandoning him as he howled his emotions at the sky. _I love you! I LOVE YOU!_ Why could he remember that and nothing else? Why did the ice that was retreating, shattering and splintering now beneath the force of his flames, as familiar as the warmth of his own magic?

Why…?

There was a hand on his cheek, trembling but firm, as it gently brushed aside the tears that Natsu hadn’t even been aware of, and Natsu’s attention snapped back to the man beneath him. _I love you._ He hadn’t said anything, but the words were there in his gaze, in the softness behind the tears that were still falling and Natsu couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think and couldn’t look away.

_I love you…_

“Natsu…” It was a whisper, as gentle and trembling as the hand against his cheek and Natsu shivered, leaning into the touch, a sob catching in the back of his throat.

_I love you…_

His heart, his mind was cracking open, the warmth giving way to a winter chill that dove into the hollow space in his chest and filled it to the brim, and with it came the memories. Precious, fleeting moments of a lifetime together…

“Gray,” he whispered. Soft, reverent, as he squeezed his eyes shut and all but collapsed against the Ice Mage, burying his face into Gray’s chest and breathed in the scent of him, the sound of his heartbeat, and the feel of the trembling, chilly arms that crept around him and held him close. A new memory, one untouched by frost and fire, as Natsu’s flames flickered and faded around them, leaving the two of them clinging to one another like drowning men who had just found their only sanctuary in an endless sea. “Gray…” Natsu whispered again, savouring the feel of it, unable to believe that he had forgotten it even for a moment, and his fingers curled against Gray, holding him closer as though the Ice Mage might still slip away without any warning. “Gray, how…”

 _How could you try and make me forget?_ He wanted to ask, feeling a bubble of anger beneath the relief, the feeling of coming home, of being safe…of love. _You promised me, and you broke your word,_ was there as well, lurking beneath everything else. Instead, he found himself lifting his head and meeting Gray’s gaze, seeing the trepidation, the guilt, the everything in the dark eyes, and with the hollow gone, filled to the brim with memories and far too many emotions, Natsu whispered.

“I love you.”


End file.
